Exisitng

Dear stranger,

TW - Mentions of Sexaul assault.

Sometimes I forget I exist outside myself. People have thoughts and conversations about me without me present and that is such a strange thing to me. Existing is a strange thing in itself. I exist, you exist. How? How are we just existing? Some would answer with God and how he did it all. Others would say science. I don't know what I believe in. Do I think God exists? Yes. Do I believe in him? ... I don't know. Normally I wouldn't talk about this kind of stuff, I don't like talking about religion. It's such a sensitive topic but this is my blog and I'm anonymous so I'll let it out. I grew up in a Christian household. I grew up with God and talk about his love but as I became older the world hit me in the face. The first time I was hit by the world itself, I was in my room. I was maybe five or six. I remember yelling was all I could hear. My parents fought a lot when I was younger. Lots of yelling about divorce and drugs. That went on for years and I eventually came to the decision I would never marry if that was what love was. The next vivid time I was shocked by the world, I was in 7th grade. I was in a computer class with all 6th graders and I was the only girl. That was a recipe for danger. Even though I was older, they were all much stronger and taller. At the end of class, a few boys would surround me, they never hit me, just intimidated me. They liked me, I know that. One boy would grab me by the collar and lift me. That's as far as it would go and I know they meant no wrong but I was scared. I'm thankful it didn't go farther. They would continue that until I moved away. In that same class, a boy sat next to me, he was bigger side. His hand sat on my thigh and I froze. I tried to not think of it but as his hand slide up my thigh and down to where my thighs met I was speechless. I tried to block it out. I didn't know what sexual assault was but I knew I was uncomfortable. I never told anyone. After that happened multiple times in my life by different people, some going further than just a hand I think I lost faith. I hope to someday figure out this whole existing thing, until then I'll avoid the topic of religion.

-Blue